I promised my friend Monica that I would shred The Top 10 Subtle Ways To Tell Her She’s Getting Fat from AskMen.com, because she was, in her words, too pissed off to do it herself. Turns out, I may have the same problem. And I’m sad, confused, worried. Mostly, the only words I’ve been able to come up with all day are, “What the fuck are you thinking, you fucking idiots?”
The article starts by stating: As every man knows, there are some things you just can’t come right out and say to your girlfriend. For obvious reasons, “You’ve put on weight, and I find you less attractive” is one of them. Even if it does have the desired effect and she goes on to drop a few pounds, she’ll never forgive you for pointing it out so bluntly and making her feel like sh*t in the process.
Okay. First, you could tell her that. You could do it nicely and honestly and out of concern for her. I’m willing to bet she may not be altogether happy about her weight gain either. You could ask her if she’s happy, if she’s stressed out, if she feels okay….. But beyond all that, why are you in a relationship in which you can’t be honest with each other about things that really matter? Things like sex and happiness and health and your relationship? Honesty is the cornerstone of any relationship, and honesty includes “this isn’t working for me.” Honestly includes, “I’m concerned about this.”
Sure, she may tell you to fuck off. But that’s fair game. She is who she is, and you are who you are, if you can’t be who you genuinely are together, then you both need to move on and find other partners.
Deal with reality. Accept that change happens. Ask her what’s going on and how she feels about her body. If she loves it, then you are shit out of luck, ‘cuz it’s about her, not you. If she doesn’t love it, ask her what you can do to make her feel better about her body. (Hint? Belittling her and calling her fat-names isn’t going to help.) Ask her what you can do to support being strong and healthy and happy in her body. If she feels loved and supported and cared about, she’s much more likely to not only trust you, but to respond to your concern, accept your partnership, want to get back in shape to have hot sex in her relationship with you and generally be happier person. That seems like a better goal.
If what you’re concerned about is hot sex, then go ahead and use your whole body and brain as the sexual organs that they are, not just your eyes. Tell her how you like your cock sucked and ask her how she likes her pussy eaten. Share your fantasies with each other, then act them out. There is nothing like a hot sex life and rich fantasy life to make you want to get in the best shape you can get in. As a bonus, it also makes you appreciate the actual body that is giving you all that pleasure. And the intimacy? That trusting intimacy is actually the thing that makes really hot sex possible.
Hey, nothing wrong with wanting hot sex. But if you think hot sex happens through your eyeballs, then you need an anatomy lesson. And if you think you can only have hot sex with skinny people, then you are totally fucked in the head, and don’t really deserve to be fucked in the other way. At least not until you realize that people are a lot more than what size jeans they wear.
Okay, on to the AskMen.com tips, and why they’re inane:
10. Buy her clothes that are too small. First, she’ll have to reveal to you that the clothes are too small. “Oh,” you might say, “I thought you were a size 8. Isn’t that what you were last summer?” The onus is now on her to do something about it.
Because making a woman feel like shit about herself is the best way to get a blow job? Nope. She’ll be stressed out, depressed, angry and just turn the light out on you before you can so much as kiss her good night. We get “hot” in our heads, and when we get sad, we do not get hot. This will start the slow and silent freeze that is the death of sex and relationships.
9. Sign her up for yoga under the pretense of “stress-relief.” The beauty of yoga is that if you dress it up as a way to relieve stress, she may not realize that she’s being tricked into shedding a few pounds, and even if she does, you’ll end up with a happier, more self-confident girlfriend rather than a grumpy lard-ass.
Why do you need pretense? You know the other word for pretense? Lie. Try being honest, because this idea doesn’t actually suck. But be honest, and ASK HER (not men) if she wants it. “Hey honey, how does a yoga class sound? I was thinking you might really get into some time to relax and use your body and meditate. Seems like you could use some ‘you’ time.” That, my friends, is generous, and will probably have all kinds of positive impact. But if it is packaged as a trick, then it is the kind of passive aggressive garbage that is the hallmark of a manipulative and controlling relationship that no one – man or woman – would feel good in.
And honestly, if you even consider thinking of your girlfriend as a “lard-ass,” then please dump her. For her sake.
8. Set Out On Your Own Weight Loss Plan. And even if she does see through your ploy, she’ll at least appreciate the tact you have shown and will hopefully take the message on board.
The idea here is that you get yourself in shape by changing your diet and exercise habits and ask her to join you. Actually, this is a good idea. HOWEVER, if you want her to get in shape with you then you owe it to her to be HONEST with her about it. “Baby, I think WE’RE getting out of shape, I don’t want to be THAT couple.” Truth is, she’s probably not turned on by your belly either (or your back hair, or your hairy balls) so by making this something that you do together, you are actually showing her that you are invested in your relationship with her. BUT YOU HAVE TO BE HONEST about it. I’ve seen this one in action with many of my friends who are couples, and with impressive results. I’ve seen couch potatoes turn into triathletes together – and with their kids – this one is good, if you’re honest about it.
7. Serve Her Unsatisfactory Portions. By making her ask for more food, you might succeed in shaming her into an acknowledgment of her recent weight gain, and hopefully to instigate a conversation about what she’s going to do about it.
You know a better way to instigate a conversation? Talk. With words. And just to be clear, any idea that involves intentionally inflicting shame on another person is tantamount to emotional abuse. Period.
6. Improve Your Own Diet. It might even be the only way of separating her from the fatty foods which have led to the current problem.
Yes, improve your own diet. In fact, start a dialog about healthy eating and exercise habits that you can do as a couple. But do not jump to the conclusion that her diet is what’s causing weight-gain. There are MANY things that could be. Aging, hormones, stress, lack of exercise, her need to build a thick wall to protect her from your belittling judgements and subtle psychological abuses that are making her feel like shit about herself. Talk about things! Communication is right up there with diet and exercise in the “feel good about yourself” holy trinity of happiness.
5. Playfully Grab Her Love Handles. Ask any man and he’ll tell you that he instinctively flexes his biceps whenever a woman touches them. The same thing goes for a woman when you make contact with any unwanted flab: She recoils and feels embarrassment. Use this reaction to your advantage.
Seriously? What the fuck is wrong with whoever wrote this? Embarrass and shame her into becoming what you want her to be? I will not even dignify this with a response. Well maybe a small one: Don’t be an asshole.
Oh, and this could EASILY backfire on you and be taken as a sign that you like to touch her love handles, therefore, like her love handles, therefore are not bothered by her weight gain. Yet another example of how being a dishonest ass-hat won’t get you what you want. It will get you what you deserve, which may not be what you want.
4. Ask Her To Wear An Old Dress. This way she’ll have to admit to you that she’s put on too much weight and can no longer get into many of her old clothes.
Be sure that you’re wearing your favorite outfit from high-school when you do this. That way, even if it fits, you’ll look like the immature man-boy that you are.
3. Schedule a Formal Date. Tell her you’re planning an exotic vacation or a fancy night out at least six weeks in advance of the date.
This is fine, if it’s not part of a manipulative lie. “Honey, let’s get ourselves back in rocking shape, and plan rewards for ourselves. In 6 weeks, fancy dinner in hot outfits a size smaller. In 6 months, beach vacation, in bikinis. Well, you in a bikini.” We call that setting goals. Goals are good. Lies and manipulation are still bad.
2. Leave Now and Then Photos Lying Around. By consistently reminding her of how she used to look, she’ll inevitably be more inclined to do something about her excess flab.
OMG, seriously? Again, why does this have to be a trick? Do you really think she hasn’t noticed how she looks? Do you really think she doesn’t look at herself in the mirror every day? Do you think she’s blind and stupid in addition to being a lard-ass? I don’t even know who you are and I want to dumb you on behalf of this poor woman who is not only getting told from all sides in the media that she’s not good enough (which is bullshit) and is for some reason dating a guy that makes her feel that at home too. (Which is even more bullshit.)
1. Take Her To Places Where She Has To Wear A Swimsuit. If she seems content staying at home eating donuts in her track pants, why not start taking her to places where she has no choice but to wear a swimsuit?
Awesome, she’s gonna need a wet-me-up with a cabana boy after all this self-esteem destroying manipulation. You’ve got her properly primed up to seek validation just about anywhere.
Look, there is nothing wrong with wanting a partner who is fit. Or a partner who fits whatever it is that turns you on. We all have a “type,” and pretending we don’t is likely to lead to being unsatisfied. That said:
1. If you are dating real humans, you are likely to be dating real human bodies. Real human bodies come in lots of shapes and sizes, and they change over time. Loving someone means loving who they really are.
2. Your lover’s body is about them, not you. If she was super fit and is now super fat, chances are good she feels bad enough about it without you manipulating her and making her feel like shit about it. Ask her what’s up. Honestly, lovingly, caringly. Help her come up with a plan that will make her feel empowered and powerful and as fit as she can be at the age and stage that she is.
3. Do not, EVER, for any reason, use lies and manipulation to try and turn someone into something that you want them to be. People are not toys. You are not god. If you are in an actual relationship with an actual human being, then honest communication is the only way that you will both get your needs met.
4. If, out of the entire relationship that you have with this woman, you really want to hang the whole thing on the shape of her body, then you really don’t deserve her. Or any relationship, because you clearly have not learned what it means to have a relationship with someone. You do not gauge the health of a relationship by the size of her jeans.
MOST IMPORTANTLY: DO NOT EVER LOOK FOR RELATIONSHIP ADVICE ON ASKMEN.COM. Asking them how to deal with women is like asking a, well, it’s like asking a bunch of misogynistic idiots how to deal with women. That’s just stupid. If you want to know how to handle issues with women, ask women.
Then again, I’ve never read anything on AskMen.com that didn’t make me seriously consider buying a strap-on and dating women, exclusively – and not so that some frat boy could watch.
*Not that it matters, but I’m not fat. And I like men. And I like sex, with men. I really like sex with my man, who makes me feel so great about my body that I can’t wait to get naked with him.